The Great Conjunction

just me baby…

I’ve spent a lot of time over the past few years blogging and trying to keep up on different platforms, across what could be seen as multiple identities.  One was for public consumption which included employers, another for music, another for amusement, etc., etc.

Aside from it being a huge PITA to keep content updated and active across so many places, it also started to seem like less of me, and just little compartmentalized tidbits that never really represented who I am.  Everything started to feel impersonal.  I can’t really explain it, but the Database Engineer was starting to feel like a completely different person from the Artist, the Husband, the Father, the…Tim.

Why did I split into multiple personalities?  I’m not sure how it happened, but I would bet it had to do with multiple mentors and their outlook on my “content” and how it fits in the different realms.  The problem, is that my life and who I am is all part of a single entity, and the content coming from each facet are parts of the whole.

About a month ago I became completely overwhelmed with so many health issues at home, so many house issues at home, so many issues with having issues.  I started slipping into an all too familiar depression that I’ve battled with since my childhood.  Food became bland, music became a chore, chores became SUPER CHORES.  Happy moments started to pass by far too quickly, and even smiling was hurting my face.

Throughout the years I’ve stumbled upon other blogs, one of which was able to stick into my memory which was written by Aloria, a security engineer from tumblr.  Although I don’t remember a link to the blog she was writing, I do remember her putting herself out there and letting anyone who happened to read along, get to know her.  I remember her posting about her mental states, vacationing in Chernobyl, Security Reactions and at other times about nothing that made sense at all.  Personally, I enjoyed reading her posts very much.

Why even post on a blog?  Most of us just share everything (often too much) on facebook.  This is true, but IMHO, facebook is hyper judgemental and any personal post is followed by a barrage of comments, most of which are from the swords of internet intellectuals who love to theory craft all day long about everything they know nothing about :D…also most posts on facebook are TLDR anyways.  I know posting about depression or anxiety would be followed by a bunch of comments like “it’s not that bad cheer up,” or “you have a great life, you have everything to happy about,” basically comments from people that just miss the fucking point.  So, I prefer this monologue style format where I can say what I want, rhetorically, and mostly because no one EVER reads this, I can likely shield myself from it.  Also…I don’t want anti depression medication ads CONSTANTLY popping up on facebook.

So now, in this time when the Great Sun, Rose Sun and Dying Sun are all aligned in the sky, I shall merge my selves into a single self, and use the power of TE AM WORK to summon Aughra!!!  If she judges me to be worthy, she will not take my eyes….nay, but she will bestow upon me a 40oz of gelfling essence (and naturally I’ll pour some out for the homies).  Consider this a one person mind meld, which is almost like masturbation but AT A HIGHER LEVEL!

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